do you want to see a movie where you have no idea what is going on for the first forty-five minutes? jupiter ascending is the film for you! other highlights include:

  • a ten minute long spaceship fight with no context or purpose, which destroys a city. “no one will remember” channing tatum growls as they leave the city, as if youtube does not exist
  • “here’s a latke for you, bitch”
  • someone using a menstrual pad as a bandage by slapping the sticky part onto the wound, leaving the actual blood-absorbing part just kind of…waving around
  • actors chewing the scenery so hard i’m surprised beautifully over-constructed bits of space metal aren’t just falling out of their mouths
  • a man trying to shoot thousands of bees in the middle of a cornfield
  • a gun that makes dog noises. it barks. the gun barks. 
  • oedipus complexes so beautifully twisted and terrible that you will spend half the movie mouthing “oh my god” to yourself
  • related to that, the climactic line of the movie is “i’m not your damn mother,” so take that as you will
  • a breathtakingly gorgeous and complex universe used as a background for a romance between woman and a man. granted, the man is a wolf angel. but still.
  • I CREATE LIVES……………….
  • [whispers] and destroy them

no i’m sorry i have to keep going

  • “bees can sense royalty”
  • mila kunis having the powerful realization partway through that she is a furry, an epiphany that changes her life
  • “i love dogs” she whispers, eyes wide
  • “bees can sense royalty”
  • channing tatum, shirtless in the void of space
  • soylent green nectar…….is…………….peeeeoplllle
  • “bees can sense royalty”
  • sean bean’s apparent daughter, who shows up onscreen for a minute and a half, leaves to get supplies for dinner, and never comes back
  • yeah sean bean is in this too i didn’t believe it either
  • “bees can sense royalty”
  • a space wedding. it’s just like an earth wedding. BUT IN SPACE
  • mila kunis’ character’s name is jupiter
  • yes i am dead serious about this
  • she spends most of the movie falling
  • they really should have called it “jupiter descending” because that’s all she does
  • “bees can sense royalty”

All that repetition of how bees can sense royalty, and you leave out the fact that the bees were an alarm system set up by Sean Bean, who is part bee.

Did you seriously leave out Channing Tatum’s flying rollerskates?

crucially important information this post does not mention:

– channing tatum is able to sense that mila kunis has been at a women’s health clinic by breaking into it and sniffing the form she signed

– there is a race of lizard monster in this movie that i’m pretty sure is just exactly the lizard monsters from Zathura

– “bees don’t lie”

– i think i remember it being said that sean bean’s daughter is dying of something and needs medicine, but she seems perfectly fine. his daughter, by the way, is also part bee, even though i think bee people are created by the space government so i’m not really sure how he had her. i have to assume that she is only one-third bee? did sean bean have a human wife? or a bee wife? we are never told what percent bee his daughter is or what she is dying of, but i’m going to assume it’s colony collapse disorder.

– sean bean at one point mentions having had wings. i spent the entire remainder of the movie assuming that since sean bean is a bee furry, he had bee wings that had been removed. at the end of the movie, i discovered that this was not the case and that he had, in fact, had metal angel wings, and i am furious that we didn’t get to see a bee-man with fucking metal angel cyborg wings.

– i cannot stress this enough: sean been plays a literal bee-human
hybrid in jupiter ascending. like, literally. a person with bee DNA. the
bee dna gives him super-fast reflexes, striped yellow-and-black hair,
and hexagonal irises, and he can sense the presence of royalty, like,
social royalty, not bee royalty, but literal kings and queens of i guess
any species. because he is a bee.

– doona bae has a flower tattoo on her face and i legitimately, to this day, do not know if it’s just a tattoo or if her character is supposed to be part flower

– there is a scene of an anti-gravity orgy involving a bird furry

– it is explicitly stated that channing tatum’s character was “bred for the military”, so i assume that wolf people are supposed to be soldiers, which makes sense, and there’s a guy who’s an owl advisor, which makes sense, and a mouse guy who is in the movie to suck up to eddie redmayne, which, okay, sure, but then it stands to reason that bee people are supposed to be cops, right? why is this? gugu mbatha-raw plays a…she has horns and huge ears and i’m not really sure what she is, i guess a sexy jackalope, and is that supposed to be a good personal assistant??

– the most breathtakingly gorgeous spaceship design i have EVER seen in my life

– most of the movie takes place in a dystopia where people are killed to make eternal youth nectar for the nobility-CEOs of space, and at the end of the movie, THIS IS STILL TRUE and mila kunis and channing tatum are having cute flying contests now that she’s queen-CEO of earth and the only reason the space police help her is that she’s the biological queen of earth and nobody???? CARES???? ABOUT THE DYSTOPIA, WHICH IS PRETTY CLEARLY A PROBLEM

– this is the performance of eddie redmayne’s life. his character is a douchebag who will do anything to maintain the status quo where he is afforded eternal youth, but he talks like a seventy-year-old man who has chain smoked every day for the last thirty years. nothing he does is not a grand gesture. he lives on jupiter and is accompanied by the lizard monsters from zathura and attended to by peter pettigrew and under his floor is a torture chamber, but he is presented as most threatening because of his willingness to employ unethical business practices

– there is a really surprising amount of mythological-astrological depth given to the symbolism of jupiter. channing tatum has a neck tattoo of the symbol for jupiter mirrored back to back (and it’s a brand, so i have to assume mila kunis’s past-life-biological-self-space-queen OWNED HIM), and okay yes i joked about his wings being angel wings, but they’re not, they’re eagle wings. the sacred animal of the god jupiter is the eagle. the roman connection is even made in-movie when channing tatum’s space wolf soldier job title is revealed to be “legionnaire”. it’s some in-depth shit.

– please see this movie eighteen times. you will not regret it. jupiter ascending is just such a great movie and you can’t even care about how little sense it makes, you just have to go with it. embrace it.


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