just figured it out: the reason why they never made a movie where air bud plays hockey is because it would have to be called air hockey

what the fuck, brooks. you and i BOTH know that that is not the nomenclature of the air bud series. besides, you need two points of contact to correctly hold a stick so there would need to be TWO dogs so clearly the title would be “air buds: two dogs”

oh, look who thinks he’s the big fucking air bud expert

“yeah, uh, air bud can’t hold a fuckin…stick, because, uh” oh wait

fuck your essentialist holding technique. you fucking trash

i do like “air bud: two dogs” though. maybe a tandem cycling movie?

please, as if i was suggesting a RETRIEVER cant hold a STICK i meant that he could not ARTICULATE A STICK IN A WAY THAT REQUIRES A FULCRUM ONLY USING HIS MOUTH

such as the motions required for EVEN THE MoST BASIC HOCKEY ACTIONS. whats he gonna do?? fuckin spin on the ice? DO YOU THINK THEY MAKE SKATES FOR DOGS, BROOKS?

way to align yourself with the evil rival coach in literally every air bud movie

“yeah, uh, air bud can’t have special, uh,…shoes, because, uh” oh wait

buddy could at least be the fucking goalie (it would fit the theme of the film if josh were the one trying to score anyway). we could even call it, fucking… air bud: penalty barks. not so goddamn smart now huh

PLEASE, and catch with his mouth? do you know what rubber at that velocity will do to his poor dog teeth? do you want buddy to never eat solid food again?

sure is casual in here! you act as if buddy doesn’t already subsist entirely on vanilla pudding and go-gurts

well this brings to the fore the Big Question of the franchise: is buddy merely a talented dog or is he magical? no normal dog could survive with such a massive deficiency of protein in his diet (given he consumes stock, child-friendly puddings and yogurts and not protein-enhanced) let alone play competitive sport against creatures with more usable limbs and opposable thumbs

but if he is magic, is he worthy of praise? is the only magical dog of his kind (prior to his talking progeny, best left unmentioned) and if not, how could we praise him for talents innate to his magic and not earned by virtue of strict training

is he truly

a Good Dog?

or just good magic in a dog body

i appreciate the critical engagement with the media here but please recall that the heart of the air bud series, and by extension, the fatal flaw of the air buddies series, is that air bud is a real-life talented dog. the air bud credit sequence confirms this:

buddy is actually making those free throws himself, like a canine jackie chan. the story of air bud, though dramatized to fit hollywood sensibilities, was based on the real-life buddy, a stray who, when adopted, just so happened to be a baller 

consider, then, how air buddies completely misses the mark (airballs, if you will) on what made air bud a timeless classic. they’re barely even dogs. they’re talking cgi abominations that go to fucking space. we know there ain’t no rule say the dog can’t play basketball, but there are a shit-ton of rules about the dog leaving earth’s orbit. like, i’m all for a true-to-life movie about laika, but space buddies is not that. it’s a crock of soulless bullshit

so yes, air bud is worthy of praise, and i would argue that he’s under-praised. in his life, buddy was nominated for all of 1 hollywood award, a kid’s choice award for favorite animal star, which went to salem from sabrina the teenage witch. it’s almost understandable that the handlers of buddy’s estate would allow the travesty of air buddies to happen, given that a magical talking cat beat out a legitimately talented dog. it’s bullshit top to bottom, and buddy is a truly good dog

i can only contribute a mockup of the potential poster. i do of course know that buddy would never play for a team as ruthless as boston but i couldn’t find an image of a golden retriever in a leafs jersey, which of course represents the sort of underDOGS that the air bud franchise is so fond of


#IM LITERALLY IN TEARS #but ok true air bud would not be a bruin #in fact the most likely teams to resort to an athletically talented dog: #the oilers in a year they don’t have the first pick #‘A DEFENSEMAN !!! DRAFT A DEFENSEMAN !!!’ yells the long suffering fanbase #peter chiarelli drafts a dog #‘ok….. is he a forward or a defenseman’ says an oilers blogger #‘a gOALIE’ #also; the coyotes #john chayka does his research and statistically this dog is a very good goaltender if a little unorthodox #he’s doing the best he can without thumbs ok #also he gets along splendidly with Orion #the calgary flames cannot land maf and so they turn to their plan b: no not joni ortio. #air bud. he weighs more than johnny gaudreau #it becomes a running joke. #the leafs maybe; but lou lamiorello has a no facial hair rule. #as you may know golden retrievers are all hair. including their faces. #so the leafs may be a no go #upon learning that air bud would be on an ELC and therefore very cheap #jim nill raises an eyebrow. he’s not ruling it out. #‘sure nobody believes a dog can be a goalie but nobody thought a 1a 1b goalie situation was viable either’ #tyler seguin tries to train cash and marshall to be wingers but he’s mostly unsuccessful #ok that’s all i got for u (via @nickybackstroms)


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